Monthly Archives: December 2011

New Year Funnies

There are many varieties of commercial dog foo...
Image via Wikipedia

This week’s funnies are from http://www.veryfunnyads.com. None of these videos is related to the up-coming New Year celebrations, but they are a good way to start the year laughing. And semi-appropriately enough, they begin with an ad for dog food presented by the famous dogs who sing Jingle Bells.

So click on the link and enjoy. And don’t miss the related articles below. Meanwhile, have a happy and healthy New Year!

Live your purpose every day.

Silliness

Christmas bells
Image via Wikipedia

You may have noticed that this is the only post I have published this week (and barely under the Friday wire, at that). It is because I am now working part-time and getting ready for Christmas as well, which has cut severely into my writing time. So it is safe to say that I will probably not be keeping up with my blogging schedule until some time after the first of the year. However, I will endeavor to post a Friday Funnies article each week, no matter what. Thanks for your understanding.

And now, a couple of silly Christmas songs you can sing as you are finishing your Christmas shopping. Go ahead – it’s OK.

(Sung to the tune “Deck the Halls”)

Deck the malls this Christmas season,

fa la la la la, la la la la

Blow your cash for no good reason,

fa la la la la, la la la la

Push your charge card to its limit

fa la la, la la la, la la la

Your check book now has nothing in it.

fa la la la la, la la la la.

(Sung to the tune “Jingle Bells”)

Dashing through the snow in my rusty Chevrolet.

Down the road I go, sliding all the way.

I need new piston rings.  I need some new snow tires.

My car is held together by a piece of chicken wire!

Oh, rust and smoke, the heater’s broke, the door just blew away.

I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.

The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio’s okay.

Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet!

I went to IGA to get some Christmas cheer.

I just passed up my left front tire and it’s gettin’ hard to steer.

Speeding down the highway, right past the county cops.

I have to drag my swampers just to get the car to stop.

Oh, rust and smoke, the heater’s broke, the door just blew away.

I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.

The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio’s okay.

Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet!

Bouncing through the snowdrifts in a big, blue cloud of smoke.

People laugh as I drive by; I wonder what’s the joke!

I have to get to Wal-Mart to pick up my layaway,

Cause Santa’s comin’ soon in his big, old, rusty sleigh!

Oh, rust and smoke, the heater’s broke, the door just blew away.

I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.

The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio’s okay.

Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusttttttttty Chevroooooooleeeeeet!

Lifted from http://funny-stuff-central.com/cmas.php

As I haven’t figured out how to reproduce these funny cartoons, I invite you to visit the site below for a humorous look at a very determined cat.

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/cat_vs_internet

I hope you have enjoyed today’s Friday Funnies.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year to you!

Live your purpose every day.

Friday Chuckles

rock band HACKMESSER
Image via Wikipedia

I rate these as chuckles as opposed to laugh-out-loud, although there are a few LOLs here, too. And a chuckle can be as good as a laugh, in my book. I hope you enjoy.

Funny Band Names

 Adult Children of Heterosexuals
Adventures in Shrubbery
The Advil Monkey

The Al Roker Death Cult Wind Ensemble

The Amazing Embarrasonic Human Karaoke Machine
Amish Meth Lab

Are These My Pants?
Armed and Hammered
The Arrogant Worms
Attila The Stockbroker
Avenging Lawnmowers of Justice

Badical Turbo Radness
The Bad Livers
Baldilocks
Ball Point Banana
Baloney Ponys
The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
Band That Shot Liberty Valence
Barf
Barstool Prophets
Bearded Itchy Lover

Bordering On Retarded
The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir

Buddy Wasisname and the Other Fellas

Cardiac Zach and the Defibulators
Caucasian Invasion
The Charging Tyrannosaurus of Despair
Cheap Mike & the Feedbacks

Curl Up And Die

Dirt Clod Fight
Disgruntled Postal Workers
Dog Food Five
Dogs With Jobs
Don Knotts Overdrive
Doris Daze
Doug and the Slugs
Dow Jones and the Industrials
Drunken Ugly Basement Brothers
Dukes of Hazardous Material

Four Honkies In a Big Black Car
Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
Four Out of Five Doctors
The Fred Mertz Experience
Freda Fuselage And The Wingwalkers
Free Range Chicken
Frogs Don’t Cry
Fromage d’Amour
Frumious Bandersnatch
Full Throttle Aristotle
Full Metal Chicken
Furious George

Phil Dirt And The Dozers

A panel from Stuart Hample's Inside Woody Alle...
Image via Wikipedia

….and a couple of groaners –

Woody Allen quote:   “When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”

I don’t know who said this: “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

P.S. Read the Related articles.

Live your purpose every day.

These funnies from http://www.digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/quotes/funny_news.html

How Numerology Helped Save a Marriage

Young Couple in Relationship Conflict
Image by epSos.de via Flickr

When you take responsibility for your life, miracles can happen. As we all know, life includes challenges. The way we handle challenges determines how fulfilled we are.

Your life challenges are indicated in your life plan, and so are the clues to mastering those challenges. A crisis in a marriage is a clear illustration of this. I did the Chaldean Soul Charts of a couple who had been married for more than 20 years.

Without going into detail, the couple subsequently encountered a challenge that could have ended their marriage. Instead, they took responsibility for their lives and chose to use their Chaldean Soul Charts to help them turn their crisis into a learning experience for each of them. They chose to face their challenges and risk being vulnerable to each other. Working out their issues enabled them to reach a deeper level of trust in each other that added a new dimension of loving to their relationship.

When people are willing to choose growth over drama, they experience a higher level of freedom to be themselves. I’ve experienced this myself. From the first time I calculated my Chaldean Soul Chart, I began to use the information there to help me resolve my own challenges. My life has become more and more joyful as I have chosen to learn from my issues.

It hasn’t been easy to let go of old habits that I thought were protecting me; for example, needing to be right. Life became so much easier once I was willing to let go and allow myself to be “imperfect.” Relationships seemed to automatically work themselves out for the highest good. Crises became opportunities to take my life in directions I could never have imagined.

But this post isn’t about me. The point is, freedom is at your fingertips. Your challenges are the keys to opening the doors to your personal freedom. It’s a frightening risk to face your challenges, but it is the only risk that always pays off with a happier life.

Live your purpose every day.

Your Outer Self – How You Live Your Life

As with your Inner Self (see blog post, “Your Inner Self – The Engine that Drives You”), whether you are aware of it or not, you are always trying to express your spiritual self. It is everyone’s automatic response to life.

Your Outer Self is another of your five core qualities. It represents the way people see you, your personality, and lifestyle.

If you are feeling frustrated with life or if somehow things are not working out as you wish, chances are you are allowing outside circumstances to override your deeper spiritual self. It is always harder to resist your inner promptings than to go with the flow of your purpose.

Your Outer Self number is found in the consonants of your birth name. To calculate your Outer Self number, you will need to use the Chaldean Conversion Code below.

Chaldean Conversion Code

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

A

B

C

D

E

U

O

F

I

K

G

M

H

V

Z

P

J

R

L

T

N

W

Q

S

X

Y

 

How to Calculate Your Outer Self Number

Print your birth name on a piece of paper. Be sure you are using the name on your birth certificate, even if it is spelled incorrectly. Next, place the number that corresponds to each consonant above that consonant in your name. Add all the numbers above the consonants in your first name together and write the sum above those numbers.

Now reduce that sum to a single digit, if necessary, (for example, 13 becomes 4) and write it above the first sum. Do the same thing with your middle and last names. If you have a suffix like Junior or III after your name, calculate that in the same way. Spell out Junior.

Finally, add all the single-digit sums above each name together and reduce that sum to a single digit unless it is 11, 22, or 33, which are master numbers. Now you have your Outer Self number.

Brief Interpretations of your Outer Self Number

Each number has its positive and negative qualities, and both are represented in the interpretations. When you are expressing the negative qualities of your number, it means you are confused. Using the positive qualities can help you get back in balance.

1          You are independent, capable, courageous, daring, creative, forceful, assertive, a person of action. People look to you for leadership. You can be selfish, pushy, impatient, and domineering.

2          You are warm, friendly, willing to help, able to get along with all kinds of people, can fit in anywhere. You instill cooperation in others. You can be indecisive, painfully shy, and needy.

3.         People see you as outgoing, cheerful, and expressive, a talker, active, determined, sociable, and popular. You seem to have no worries. You can be a scatterbrain, disorganized, and ineffective by spreading yourself too thin.

4          You are seen as disciplined, organized, dependable, practical, conservative, thorough, a hard worker. People respect you because they can count on you. Your presence reassures others. You can be narrow-minded, stubborn, inflexible, nervous, close-minded, and difficult to work with.

5          People see you as outgoing, sociable, cheerful, enthusiastic, an adventurer, risk-taker, dynamic, magnetic, attractive, gracious, and carefree. You are the life of the party. You can be seen as loud, boastful, startling, bizarre, and irresponsible.

6          People like to be around you because you project a sense of serenity and harmony. You are outgoing and friendly in a dignified way, even at a party. You make people feel welcome wherever you are. People come to you for advice. You can be a worrier, interfering, overbearing, self righteous, and careless about your appearance and that of your environment.

7          People find you gracious and friendly in a quiet way. You can be reserved and aloof, as well. No matter how engaged you are, you project an impression that you know something no one else does. You can be exclusive, snobbish, judgmental, secretive, and elusive. No one can pin you down.

8          People see you as dynamic, energetic, friendly, persuasive, in charge. You emanate personal power, strength, and success. You automatically assume leadership. You can be abusive, dictatorial, impatient, scornful of others, and boastful about your possessions.

9          You are seen as sincere, friendly, outgoing, enthusiastic, strong, charming, compassionate, and having a magnetic personality. People are drawn to you because they sense you care about them. You can be overly emotional, becoming involved in everyone’s problems because you feel you are responsible for fixing them. You can be irresponsible, indecisive, and ineffective.

11        Others are inspired by you and see you as original, having avant garde opinions, artistic, creative, humanitarian, unique, inventive, idealistic, a dreamer. People are drawn to you and are fascinated by your message.

You can be egotistical, shallow, uninterested in the opinions of others, and an impractical dreamer with your head in the clouds, accomplishing nothing.

22        People see you as a powerful, practical humanitarian who can make dreams come true. Whatever your skills and expertise, you use them to help others and make the world a better place. People trust you and have confidence that you have the highest interests at heart. You can be snobbish and inflexible.

33        People see you as the ultimate giver. You are outgoing, entertaining, dramatic, a lover of children and animals. People are attracted to you because they can feel your kindness, generosity, and genuine caring. You tend to take on the problems of others rather than helping them solve their own. You sacrifice yourself because you don’t understand the difference between being a servant and being of service.

Funny of the Week

After a hard week’s work, these funny headlines are good for a laugh, but they are a mere warm-up for the stories that follow.

Actual Newspaper Headlines


  1. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
  2. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  3. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  4. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  5. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  6. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  7. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
  8. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  9. Farmer Bill Dies in House
  10. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  11. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
  12. Stud Tires Out
  13. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  14. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  15. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
  16. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
  17. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
  18. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  19. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  20. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
  21. If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  22. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  23. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  24. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
  25. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

This Smells Odd

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he
bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an
ill man curled up next to a motor home trying to steal
gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home’s
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
declined to press charges, saying that it was the best
laugh he’d ever had.

A Little Gas

A Dutch veterinarian was fined 600 guilders (about $240)
for causing a fire that destroyed a farm in Lichten Vourde,
the
Netherlands. The vet had been trying to convince a farmer
that his cow was passing flatulent gas; to demonstrate, the
vet ignited the gas, but the cow became a “four-legged
flame-thrower” and ran wild, setting fire to bales of hay.
Damage to the farm was assessed at $80,000. The cow was
unharmed. AP

Check It Out

Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in
March in
Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched
without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer
didn’t need a warrant because a “bulge” in Christopher’s
jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher,
who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in
court. He handed it over so the judge could see it.
The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket
and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to
compose himself.

 

This week’s laughs were lifted from http://www.digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/quotes/funny_news.html

Live your purpose every day.