Monthly Archives: April 2012

Friday Funnies

Smiley face changed
Smiley face changed (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This week’s Friday Funnies are from Chuck Shepherd’s News of the Weird

Not all funny stuff is out-loud laughable, but it’s still amusing and you can still forward it to your friends. So, enjoy the weirdness that is out there; and I hope you do not recognize yourself anywhere on this page.

Something Else to Worry About

A computer science professor working with the Bonobo Hope Great Ape Trust Sanctuary inDes Moines,Iowa, has developed a bonobo robot that can be controlled by live bonobos. Among the first applications of the robot, said Dr. Ken Schweller in March, is a water cannon that bonobos will be taught to operate via an iPad app in order to “play chase games” with each other — “or to squirt guests.” [IEEE Spectrum (Institute of Electrical and Electronic Engineers),3-29-2012]

Drive-By Etiquette

In February, Kendall Reid, 36, was extradited fromNew Jerseyback toLaPlace,La., where he had been sought for allegedly shooting at a car on Interstate 10 on Christmas Eve. According to police, Reid failed to hit the car he was aiming at, instead inadvertently shooting out the back window of a car in which two women were riding. However, as the damaged car stopped on the side of the road, Reid pulled his Corvette over, too, walked up to the women, and apologized (“Sorry, wrong car”) — before resuming his pursuit of his intended target. [Times-Picayune,2-13-2012]

Least Competent Criminals

Thought of Almost Everything: Mishelle Salzgeber, 20, was arrested in March in New Port Richey,Fla., after failing a drug test, which was a condition of her probation for an undisclosed crime. Apparently, Salzgeber knew that she would probably fail on her own and had gone to the trouble of inserting a small tube of someone else’s urine into her vagina. Unfortunately for her, a pre-test body-scan revealed the tube. (Besides, authorities tested the urine in the tube and found that it also failed.) [WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg),3-20-2012]

Update

Bill Dillon, released from aFloridaprison in 2009 after 27 years’ wrongful incarceration, received a public apology in March from Gov. Rick Scott (and will get $50,000 from the state for each year of lockup). Dillon is one of the first inmates to have received justice among as many as an estimated 60 who were convicted with the help of the now-deceased dog trainer John Preston, whose supposedly heroic-nosed German shepherds could somehow track smells through water and pick out lone scents among highly contaminated crime scenes — thus magically confirming speculative parts of prosecutors’ cases when no other evidence was available. Pushover judges allowedPrestona free hand until one thought to subject the dog to a simple courtroom smell test, which the dog totally failed. Though satisfied with his own outcome, Dillon begged authorities to open other cases involvingPreston’s dogs. [OrlandoSentinel,3-3-2012]

Hot Commodity inPennsylvania

(1) In January, police inBridgeville,Pa., investigated a series of vehicle break-ins, including one of a car belonging to Kathy Saunoras, who reported that only her dentures were taken. (2) Two weeks later, health worker Marlene Dupert, 44, was charged with yanking dentures out of the mouth of one of her charges at a nursing home in Selinsgrove, Pa. (3) Also in February, Evelyn Fuller, 49, was charged with robbing the First National Bank in Waynesburg, Pa. — a crime necessitated, she told a police officer, because she needed money for new dentures. [Associated Press via WPVI-TV (Philadelphia),1-26-2012] [Daily Item (Sunbury,Pa.),2-18-2012] [Observer-Reporter (Washington,Pa.),2-1-2012]

On this page of Chuck’s blog ….

The Entrepreneurial Spirit!

“(Our critics) are absolutely right. We are professional liars,” said Everett Davis, founder of the Internet-based Reference Store, which supplies pumped-up, but false, resumes for job-seekers having trouble landing work. Davis and associates are, he told Houston’s KRIV-TV in November, ex-investigators schooled in deception and therefore good at fooling human resources personnel who follow up on the bogus work claims.Davis admitted he would even disguise a customer’s past criminal record — but not if the job is in public safety, health care or schools. [KRIV-TV,11-16-2011]

And finally …

If you are having trouble falling asleep at night, this video will solve your problem. Try it tonight. You’ll be sleeping like a baby in no time. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

http://www.weirduniverse.net/blog/comments/clean_those_valves/

Have a great weekend, and live your purpose every day.

Happy I

Br'er Rabbit and the Tar-Baby, drawing by E.W....
Br'er Rabbit and the Tar-Baby, drawing by E.W. Kemble from The Tar-Baby, by Joel Chandler Harris, 1904 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I titled this article “Happy I” because I may write Happy II, Happy III, etc. “How to be happy” is a search occurring 55,600,000 times each month on Google. In understatement, it seems many want to be happier.

Something’s Gotta Give

2012, a number 5 year, brings forward issues and opportunities around freedom, of casting aside the structures that have limited our inspired vision. This is a year of possibility, of openness and adventure. Many of our mental structures are beginning to crumble, cracks are showing up in our emotional walls. Our immediate response is to try to shore those walls up again, but it doesn’t work, and this makes us unhappy. We feel stuck.

To reap the freedom and possibility of the number 5, we need to let go of what is holding us back. We need to allow ourselves to jump off our mental cliffs and fly like eagles; or to put it less dramatically, to move out of our comfort zones. Many of us are caught between a rock and a hard place. We are afraid to move forward, but if we stay where we are we’re stuck like Br’er Rabbit to the tar baby.

Personal Experience

Not surprisingly, I’ve been feeling hemmed in, fenced in, stuck, and tied down; uninterested, unenthusiastic, tired, and bored. I’m still functioning, still enjoying life somewhat, but missing out on real fulfillment. So I decided to let go; of what, I wasn’t sure. I turned the matter over to my spiritual guides, and things began to happen.

My behavior began to change from negative to positive with respect to certain fixed ideas. I was led to a chakra assessment online, and it was a doozy. I am using my crystals to balance and heal my chakras now, and my enthusiasm level is going up daily. I found a book in my library that I’ve had for a couple years but had never read. In it are questions that point like radar to the issues that hold the key to elevating my joy quotient. My answers astonished me. I didn’t realize I how trapped was in some of the old habits of my past.

Breaking Through

I want to share with you the insightful questions that jolted me out of my doldrums. They are from the book, “Quantum Success,” by Sandra Anne Taylor.

  1. Generally speaking, what are the things you’re most conscious of – that is, what do you tend to think about the most? Are you more conscious of what you have or what you lack?
  1. What’s your most important career goal? How much time do you spend each day consciously focusing on its success?
  1. What’s the most prevalent habit, pattern, or even addiction in your life? How much time do you spend each day engaging in this habit? How conscious of it are you when you’re not doing it?
  1. Do you tend to focus more on the positives of your day or the problems that come up? Does your thought process tend to be more negative or positive?

What will your answers reveal to you?

Transformation and Possibility

The cliché is true: happiness is an inside job. Feelings like being stuck, depressed, discouraged, etc., are not bad things. They tell us that something is wrong inside ourselves and that we have the power to change. We have a choice to remain where we are or take the leap into a new way of living.

Everyone has his/her own answers. If you are experiencing symptoms of stuckness, you may want to consider turning your frustration over to your spiritual Source. How exciting it could be to allow new perspectives to unfold, in the perfect way for you, according to your highest good.

Now that I’ve gotten a start, I’m looking forward to experiencing more freedom and possibility in my life as I clear out the obstacles to my success. The most astounding revelation for me is that, as I pursue this healing path, I am led to live my purpose in deeper and more exciting ways than I can imagine.

Whatever your path is, you can, too.

Live your purpose every day.

Friday Funnies

Laughing
Laughing (Photo credit: lovestruck.)

I found some funny animal videos and nutty people videos for your enjoyment.  This is belly-laugh material, so put that soda/beer down. You don’t want it coming out your nose.

Start with the funny cats –

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IytNBm8WA1c&feature=related

And move on to the crazy people.

http://www.viduu.com/video/crazy-farmer-hay-bales-himself-45162/

After that, you’re on your own.

Have a great weekend, and live your purpose every day!

How to Trust Yourself, No Matter What

Frowny
Frowny (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A couple of weeks ago I had an expensive lesson in trusting myself. It is still playing like a movie in my mind. I see a big billboard with the words, TRUST YOURSELF!, in huge letters which consume its entire surface. I am through kicking myself about it and am now left with a dumb-struck sense of wonder at how I let it happen. I came to the conclusion that my spirit guides decided I needed a lesson I would never forget. Here’s what happened.

I was sitting in my car at a red light, peacefully waiting for it to change to green when the car behind me slammed into my car (whose name is Jane, by the way). Although the impact sent me ricocheting forward, then back, it was not enough to hurt me. Jane, however, suffered cosmetic and structural damage. She is at her spa right now, receiving treatment.

A few seconds after impact, before I had a chance to think about it, the driver of the other car was at my window saying that we should pull into a nearby side street so as not to block traffic. I knew this was a mistake, but as he pulled his car up beside mine, I followed him.

To make a long story short, I allowed him to take over the situation and ended up with nothing more than a name, address, and phone number taken from his strange-looking insurance card. After not hearing from his insurance company for several days, I contacted them and found out his insurance had expired several months ago.

I did some research and found that the phone number he gave me belongs to someone else, the address is not his, and his name is nowhere to be found. Clearly, the man is a phony. Now my insurance company is paying for the damage, I am paying the deductible, and I am grateful for the coverage.

My sense is that my insurance company will never find this man, but I could be wrong. What I am sure of is that, all through my exchange with this person, I knew he was lying and I didn’t challenge him.

I could blame Mercury, which was retrograde at the time; confused souls influencing me; lack of self-confidence; or all kinds of other things; but in spite of anything else, I knew. My inner knowing was right there, hollering at me, through the whole experience.

You have inner knowing, too. When it is hollering at you over the chaos of life, listen and act on it. Otherwise, you could have an expensive lesson, yourself.

Live your purpose every day.

Friday Funnies

Bhikku Bodhi, an American Buddhist monk.
Bhikku Bodhi, an American Buddhist monk. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A little spiritual humor today … and some brilliant plays on words for you.

Monk Joke

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hotdog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

The Swami

One of my favorite foolish persons is Swami Beyondananda, and if you are not familiar with him, you need to be. So I am performing a public service by introducing you to the Swami. This quote from him says it all.

“Joy is the Bottom Line: Underneath all the stress, distress and negativity in life, there is an deep well of joy. Each time healing laughter bubbles up from that well, we experience deep wellness.”
– Swami Beyondananda

Visit the Swami today and get Absurdified.

Live your purpose every day – and have a great weekend!

Friday Funnies

A smile a day keeps the pain and the doctor away
A smile a day keeps the pain and the doctor away (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today’s jokes are from www.TheJokeYard.com. I hope you enjoy them.

Miser’s Final Wish

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife.”

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, and his wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!” she had a shoe box with her, and she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.”

She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”

“I sure did, “said the wife.”I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.”

Pub Stakeout

The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.

The first one out the door at 2:00 o’clock weaved down the sidewalk and fell on the curb. Sluggishly, he got up and tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.

Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.

Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.

Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.

Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.

The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyzer test, to which he readily agreed.

The reading was 0.0%. The policeman said, “How can this be?”

The man replied, “Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.”

Caught Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for backup. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver’s license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

A Father’s Pain

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.”

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

Have a great weekend, and live your purpose every day!