Tag Archives: Friday funnies

Friday Funnies

This post from nyparrot’s blog that will make you laugh out loud. Enjoy!

nyparrot

Life is made of tragicomically controversial moments. One man’s painful fall may cause a bystander to burst into an inappropriate laugh. While in stitches ridiculing the clumsiness of a stranger, the bystander himself may slip on a banana skin and fall hard… Though hurting really badly – through all the moaning – he’d start laughing even harder. Why? Because he sees the irony in what happened to him.

Seeing the funny side of life and things is a gift. The ability to help others not to take themselves too seriously, to make them lighten up and make a light out of sometimes less than perfect situations, is a talent.

Concerts of a duo of a violinist and singer Aleksey Igudesman and pianist Hyung-Ki Joo (http://www.igudesmanandjoo.com/biography/) are full of unexpected twists and turns, as they don’t just deliver a professional performance of musical pieces, but also offer their own…

View original post 131 more words

FRIDAY FUNNIES

Friday Funny Animals 9
Friday Funny Animals 9 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

I know, Friday Funnies on Saturday. I’m having challenges keeping up with my life. Maybe I need to quit something; I’m working on it. Thank you for reading my blog. I value every one of you – you are the reason I write.

Here is a classic video (read oldie but goodie) that will give you multiple laughs.

Have a good weekend, and live your purpose every day!

 

Friday Funnies

Person with hat
Person with hat (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 From a friend of mine who keeps me up to date on such things …

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. 

Here are the winners: 

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

3. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

4. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

5. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

6. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

7. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon : It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido : All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The  Washington  Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish males.

Have a great weekend, and live your purpose every day.

Friday Funnies

Smiley face changed
Smiley face changed (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This week’s Friday Funnies are from Chuck Shepherd’s News of the Weird

Not all funny stuff is out-loud laughable, but it’s still amusing and you can still forward it to your friends. So, enjoy the weirdness that is out there; and I hope you do not recognize yourself anywhere on this page.

Something Else to Worry About

A computer science professor working with the Bonobo Hope Great Ape Trust Sanctuary inDes Moines,Iowa, has developed a bonobo robot that can be controlled by live bonobos. Among the first applications of the robot, said Dr. Ken Schweller in March, is a water cannon that bonobos will be taught to operate via an iPad app in order to “play chase games” with each other — “or to squirt guests.” [IEEE Spectrum (Institute of Electrical and Electronic Engineers),3-29-2012]

Drive-By Etiquette

In February, Kendall Reid, 36, was extradited fromNew Jerseyback toLaPlace,La., where he had been sought for allegedly shooting at a car on Interstate 10 on Christmas Eve. According to police, Reid failed to hit the car he was aiming at, instead inadvertently shooting out the back window of a car in which two women were riding. However, as the damaged car stopped on the side of the road, Reid pulled his Corvette over, too, walked up to the women, and apologized (“Sorry, wrong car”) — before resuming his pursuit of his intended target. [Times-Picayune,2-13-2012]

Least Competent Criminals

Thought of Almost Everything: Mishelle Salzgeber, 20, was arrested in March in New Port Richey,Fla., after failing a drug test, which was a condition of her probation for an undisclosed crime. Apparently, Salzgeber knew that she would probably fail on her own and had gone to the trouble of inserting a small tube of someone else’s urine into her vagina. Unfortunately for her, a pre-test body-scan revealed the tube. (Besides, authorities tested the urine in the tube and found that it also failed.) [WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg),3-20-2012]

Update

Bill Dillon, released from aFloridaprison in 2009 after 27 years’ wrongful incarceration, received a public apology in March from Gov. Rick Scott (and will get $50,000 from the state for each year of lockup). Dillon is one of the first inmates to have received justice among as many as an estimated 60 who were convicted with the help of the now-deceased dog trainer John Preston, whose supposedly heroic-nosed German shepherds could somehow track smells through water and pick out lone scents among highly contaminated crime scenes — thus magically confirming speculative parts of prosecutors’ cases when no other evidence was available. Pushover judges allowedPrestona free hand until one thought to subject the dog to a simple courtroom smell test, which the dog totally failed. Though satisfied with his own outcome, Dillon begged authorities to open other cases involvingPreston’s dogs. [OrlandoSentinel,3-3-2012]

Hot Commodity inPennsylvania

(1) In January, police inBridgeville,Pa., investigated a series of vehicle break-ins, including one of a car belonging to Kathy Saunoras, who reported that only her dentures were taken. (2) Two weeks later, health worker Marlene Dupert, 44, was charged with yanking dentures out of the mouth of one of her charges at a nursing home in Selinsgrove, Pa. (3) Also in February, Evelyn Fuller, 49, was charged with robbing the First National Bank in Waynesburg, Pa. — a crime necessitated, she told a police officer, because she needed money for new dentures. [Associated Press via WPVI-TV (Philadelphia),1-26-2012] [Daily Item (Sunbury,Pa.),2-18-2012] [Observer-Reporter (Washington,Pa.),2-1-2012]

On this page of Chuck’s blog ….

The Entrepreneurial Spirit!

“(Our critics) are absolutely right. We are professional liars,” said Everett Davis, founder of the Internet-based Reference Store, which supplies pumped-up, but false, resumes for job-seekers having trouble landing work. Davis and associates are, he told Houston’s KRIV-TV in November, ex-investigators schooled in deception and therefore good at fooling human resources personnel who follow up on the bogus work claims.Davis admitted he would even disguise a customer’s past criminal record — but not if the job is in public safety, health care or schools. [KRIV-TV,11-16-2011]

And finally …

If you are having trouble falling asleep at night, this video will solve your problem. Try it tonight. You’ll be sleeping like a baby in no time. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

http://www.weirduniverse.net/blog/comments/clean_those_valves/

Have a great weekend, and live your purpose every day.

Friday Funnies

First, Anti-gravity

The science-based portion of our program – groaners all, but too silly to pass up.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

Q: How do you identify a gefilte fish in the ocean?
A: By the carrots on its back.

The following were lifted from Jupiter Scientific http://www.jupiterscientific.org/sciinfo/sciencejokes.html

Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can’t find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can’t find the position.

Q: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another quantum physicist?
A: Let me atom.

There is a sign in Munich that says, “Heisenberg might have slept here.”

The Heineken Uncertainty Principle says “You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.”

Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.

Science Cat Speaks.

Advice from Science Cat

Final Words from Science Cat

Final Words from Science Cat

Finally, Sunday is April Fools Day

Here are a couple of winners from April Fools Day on the Web 2011:

And remember …..

Have a great weekend, and live your purpose every day!

Funny Police Stuff

Deutsch: Polizeihauptmeister MZ (mit Zulage) a...
Image via Wikipedia

10 Funny and Humorous Comments Made By Arresting Constables, Allegedly

1.  The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog.
2.  Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.
3.  Life’s tough, but it’s tougher if you’re stupid.
4.  No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.
5.  Just how big were those two beers?
6.  The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.
7.  If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.
8.  So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, eh?
9.  Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?
10.  In God we trust, all others are suspects.

10 Bungling Burglar Stories

1.  Investigating a purse snatching in Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief’s description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, ‘Yeah, that’s the woman I robbed.’
2.  In Nashville, they tell of a burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.
3.  In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn’t get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn’t fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran……but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall. Unplugging it, he tried again, but a diner knocked him to the ground and called the police.
4.  In Rhode Island, police were sure they had the right man when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.
5.  Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. He said he’d stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable.
6.  In Lawrence, Kansas, officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes.
7.  In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid ID. in a “Seven-Eleven” robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said “Cedar Woods Apartments” and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.
8.  Two robbers in Michigan, USA, entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, ‘Nobody move!’ When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
9.  A robber, in a town in Germany, was caught after he escaped with his swag but he left his trousers behind. Police successfully arrested him at a railway station trying to board a train in his underpants. You couldn’t invent these funny occurrences.
10.  A bungling Australian car thief was nabbed after accidentally locking himself in the vehicle he was trying to steal in Adelaide, Australia.

These amusing nuggets were lifted from Will and Guy’s Funny Clean Jokes.

Have a great weekend, and live your purpose every day.

P.S. Be sure to read the related article below for more laughs and some warm, fuzzy feelings.

The Lonesome Ghosts

Appropriately enough, I found a funny ghost story on YouTube. The video is 8 min and 50 seconds long, but it’s Walt Disney. Who can resist Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and Goofy?

Have a great weekend, and live your purpose every day!

Funny Fashions

1970s Family Picture

These fashions from the 70s will either make you laugh or cry. Those of us who are old enough to have lived through the 70s will wonder how we ever talked ourselves into thinking we were cool. Those of you who are younger won’t believe your eyes. Make sure you scroll down to the very last picture.

http://tutorials-share.com/2011/11/10-bad-funny-fashions-70s-80s/

Have a great weekend, and live your purpose every day!

Funny Business in the Office

Stock broker hard at work

The business world has its moments of hilarity. These are true examples of idiocy from job applications and resumes, again from “Will and Guy’s Funny Clean Jokes,” http://www.guy-sports.com/index.htm. Go head, laugh yourself silly.

Funny Gaffs from Real Job Applications

1.   I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

2.   Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

3.   As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

4.   Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

5.   Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘ job-hopping’ . I have never quit a job.

6.   Marital status: often. Children: various.

7.   Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn’t work under those conditions.

8.   The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

9.   Finished eighth in my class of ten.

10.   References: none. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.

Extracts from Funny Resumes

1.   I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2.   I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms.

3.   I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4.   Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

5.   Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

6.   Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

7.   It’s best for employers that I not work with people.

8.   Let’s meet , so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.

9.   You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

10.   Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

11.   I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

12.   Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

13.   I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14.   I am loyal to my employer at all costs….Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail.

15.   I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16.   My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

 

Have a great weekend, and live your purpose every day!