Life is made of tragicomically controversial moments. One man’s painful fall may cause a bystander to burst into an inappropriate laugh. While in stitches ridiculing the clumsiness of a stranger, the bystander himself may slip on a banana skin and fall hard… Though hurting really badly – through all the moaning – he’d start laughing even harder. Why? Because he sees the irony in what happened to him.
Seeing the funny side of life and things is a gift. The ability to help others not to take themselves too seriously, to make them lighten up and make a light out of sometimes less than perfect situations, is a talent.
Concerts of a duo of a violinist and singer Aleksey Igudesman and pianist Hyung-Ki Joo (http://www.igudesmanandjoo.com/biography/) are full of unexpected twists and turns, as they don’t just deliver a professional performance of musical pieces, but also offer their own…
I know, Friday Funnies on Saturday. I’m having challenges keeping up with my life. Maybe I need to quit something; I’m working on it. Thank you for reading my blog. I value every one of you – you are the reason I write.
Here is a classic video (read oldie but goodie) that will give you multiple laughs.
Have a good weekend, and live your purpose every day!
Today is blonde-joke day. I don’t know why blonde jokes were invented. Maybe everyone else is jealous because blondes have more fun and they want blondes to pay the price. Or maybe people just like stupid-funny. Stupid can be funny. Enjoy.
This one was emailed to me from a friend.
The Milkman and the Blonde
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my neck. I can splash it on my eyes.”
January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…..duh…..bottles won’t fit in typewriter!!!
March – Got excited…finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. Box said 2-4 years!
April – Trapped on escalator for hours…power went out!!!
May – Tried to make Kool-Aid…8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
June – Tried to go water skiing…couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition. Learned later other swimmers cheated. They used their arms!!!
August – Got locked out of car in rain storm. Car swamped because top was down.
September – The capital ofCaliforniais “C,” isn’t it?
October – Hate M & Ms…they are so hard to peel.
November – Baked turkey for 4 ½ days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound, and I weigh 108!!!
December – Couldn’t call 911….duh….there’s no “eleven” button on the phone!!!
What a year!
Blonde on a Plane
A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first-class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Detroit, and I’m staying right here.”
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Detroit, and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land.
The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly goes back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move.
“I told her first class isn’t going to Detroit.”
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two; one to hold the light bulb and one to spin the ladder around.
A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.
The policeman walked up the blonde and said, “Excuse me, ma’am, could I see your driver’s license and registration?”
The blonde gave the policeman an angry look and said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and today you expect me to show it to you!”
Non-blonde Joke, but just as stupid:
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
IT SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
I hope these jokes made you smile.
P.S. Don’t miss the ones at the links below.
Have a great weekend, and live your purpose every day.
Not all funny stuff is out-loud laughable, but it’s still amusing and you can still forward it to your friends. So, enjoy the weirdness that is out there; and I hope you do not recognize yourself anywhere on this page.
Something Else to Worry About
A computer science professor working with the Bonobo Hope Great Ape Trust Sanctuary inDes Moines,Iowa, has developed a bonobo robot that can be controlled by live bonobos. Among the first applications of the robot, said Dr. Ken Schweller in March, is a water cannon that bonobos will be taught to operate via an iPad app in order to “play chase games” with each other — “or to squirt guests.” [IEEE Spectrum (Institute of Electrical and Electronic Engineers),3-29-2012]
In February, Kendall Reid, 36, was extradited fromNew Jerseyback toLaPlace,La., where he had been sought for allegedly shooting at a car on Interstate 10 on Christmas Eve. According to police, Reid failed to hit the car he was aiming at, instead inadvertently shooting out the back window of a car in which two women were riding. However, as the damaged car stopped on the side of the road, Reid pulled his Corvette over, too, walked up to the women, and apologized (“Sorry, wrong car”) — before resuming his pursuit of his intended target. [Times-Picayune,2-13-2012]
Least Competent Criminals
Thought of Almost Everything: Mishelle Salzgeber, 20, was arrested in March in New Port Richey,Fla., after failing a drug test, which was a condition of her probation for an undisclosed crime. Apparently, Salzgeber knew that she would probably fail on her own and had gone to the trouble of inserting a small tube of someone else’s urine into her vagina. Unfortunately for her, a pre-test body-scan revealed the tube. (Besides, authorities tested the urine in the tube and found that it also failed.) [WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg),3-20-2012]
Bill Dillon, released from aFloridaprison in 2009 after 27 years’ wrongful incarceration, received a public apology in March from Gov. Rick Scott (and will get $50,000 from the state for each year of lockup). Dillon is one of the first inmates to have received justice among as many as an estimated 60 who were convicted with the help of the now-deceased dog trainer John Preston, whose supposedly heroic-nosed German shepherds could somehow track smells through water and pick out lone scents among highly contaminated crime scenes — thus magically confirming speculative parts of prosecutors’ cases when no other evidence was available. Pushover judges allowedPrestona free hand until one thought to subject the dog to a simple courtroom smell test, which the dog totally failed. Though satisfied with his own outcome, Dillon begged authorities to open other cases involvingPreston’s dogs. [OrlandoSentinel,3-3-2012]
Hot Commodity inPennsylvania
(1) In January, police inBridgeville,Pa., investigated a series of vehicle break-ins, including one of a car belonging to Kathy Saunoras, who reported that only her dentures were taken. (2) Two weeks later, health worker Marlene Dupert, 44, was charged with yanking dentures out of the mouth of one of her charges at a nursing home in Selinsgrove, Pa. (3) Also in February, Evelyn Fuller, 49, was charged with robbing the First National Bank in Waynesburg, Pa. — a crime necessitated, she told a police officer, because she needed money for new dentures. [Associated Press via WPVI-TV (Philadelphia),1-26-2012] [Daily Item (Sunbury,Pa.),2-18-2012] [Observer-Reporter (Washington,Pa.),2-1-2012]
“(Our critics) are absolutely right. We are professional liars,” said Everett Davis, founder of the Internet-based Reference Store, which supplies pumped-up, but false, resumes for job-seekers having trouble landing work. Davis and associates are, he told Houston’s KRIV-TV in November, ex-investigators schooled in deception and therefore good at fooling human resources personnel who follow up on the bogus work claims.Davis admitted he would even disguise a customer’s past criminal record — but not if the job is in public safety, health care or schools. [KRIV-TV,11-16-2011]
And finally …
If you are having trouble falling asleep at night, this video will solve your problem. Try it tonight. You’ll be sleeping like a baby in no time. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
10 Funny and Humorous Comments Made By Arresting Constables, Allegedly
1. The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog.
2. Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.
3. Life’s tough, but it’s tougher if you’re stupid.
4. No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.
5. Just how big were those two beers?
6. The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.
7. If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.
8. So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, eh?
9. Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?
10. In God we trust, all others are suspects.
10 Bungling Burglar Stories
1. Investigating a purse snatching in Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief’s description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, ‘Yeah, that’s the woman I robbed.’
2. In Nashville, they tell of a burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.
3. In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn’t get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn’t fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran……but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall. Unplugging it, he tried again, but a diner knocked him to the ground and called the police.
4. In Rhode Island, police were sure they had the right man when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.
5. Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. He said he’d stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable.
6. In Lawrence, Kansas, officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes.
7. In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid ID. in a “Seven-Eleven” robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said “Cedar Woods Apartments” and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.
8. Two robbers in Michigan, USA, entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, ‘Nobody move!’ When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
9. A robber, in a town in Germany, was caught after he escaped with his swag but he left his trousers behind. Police successfully arrested him at a railway station trying to board a train in his underpants. You couldn’t invent these funny occurrences.
10. A bungling Australian car thief was nabbed after accidentally locking himself in the vehicle he was trying to steal in Adelaide, Australia.
These fashions from the 70s will either make you laugh or cry. Those of us who are old enough to have lived through the 70s will wonder how we ever talked ourselves into thinking we were cool. Those of you who are younger won’t believe your eyes. Make sure you scroll down to the very last picture.
You can tell by the name of the site that Will and Guy are English. But that’s okay, because some of these jokes are actually funny (sorry Brits, but sometimes we just don’t get your humor).
Here is what Will and Guy have to say about Engrish.
Engrish is the name for the occidental writing which appears on Japanese signs. The companies, or their sign writers, wish to give a product cachet, but the result is a funny English phrase. To the Japanese readers, the Engrish words are meaningless since most speak English about as well as most westerners speak Japanese. Little do they know that the English translation has a fatal flaw.
And there you have your Engrish lesson for the week. Have a great weekend!
P.S. Sorry about the terrible formatting (this part was supposed to be at the bottom). I need someone who knows how to do this stuff.