Life is made of tragicomically controversial moments. One man’s painful fall may cause a bystander to burst into an inappropriate laugh. While in stitches ridiculing the clumsiness of a stranger, the bystander himself may slip on a banana skin and fall hard… Though hurting really badly – through all the moaning – he’d start laughing even harder. Why? Because he sees the irony in what happened to him.
Seeing the funny side of life and things is a gift. The ability to help others not to take themselves too seriously, to make them lighten up and make a light out of sometimes less than perfect situations, is a talent.
Concerts of a duo of a violinist and singer Aleksey Igudesman and pianist Hyung-Ki Joo (http://www.igudesmanandjoo.com/biography/) are full of unexpected twists and turns, as they don’t just deliver a professional performance of musical pieces, but also offer their own…
Today is blonde-joke day. I don’t know why blonde jokes were invented. Maybe everyone else is jealous because blondes have more fun and they want blondes to pay the price. Or maybe people just like stupid-funny. Stupid can be funny. Enjoy.
This one was emailed to me from a friend.
The Milkman and the Blonde
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my neck. I can splash it on my eyes.”
January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…..duh…..bottles won’t fit in typewriter!!!
March – Got excited…finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. Box said 2-4 years!
April – Trapped on escalator for hours…power went out!!!
May – Tried to make Kool-Aid…8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
June – Tried to go water skiing…couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition. Learned later other swimmers cheated. They used their arms!!!
August – Got locked out of car in rain storm. Car swamped because top was down.
September – The capital ofCaliforniais “C,” isn’t it?
October – Hate M & Ms…they are so hard to peel.
November – Baked turkey for 4 ½ days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound, and I weigh 108!!!
December – Couldn’t call 911….duh….there’s no “eleven” button on the phone!!!
What a year!
Blonde on a Plane
A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first-class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Detroit, and I’m staying right here.”
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Detroit, and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land.
The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly goes back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move.
“I told her first class isn’t going to Detroit.”
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two; one to hold the light bulb and one to spin the ladder around.
A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.
The policeman walked up the blonde and said, “Excuse me, ma’am, could I see your driver’s license and registration?”
The blonde gave the policeman an angry look and said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and today you expect me to show it to you!”
Non-blonde Joke, but just as stupid:
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
IT SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
I hope these jokes made you smile.
P.S. Don’t miss the ones at the links below.
Have a great weekend, and live your purpose every day.
Not all funny stuff is out-loud laughable, but it’s still amusing and you can still forward it to your friends. So, enjoy the weirdness that is out there; and I hope you do not recognize yourself anywhere on this page.
Something Else to Worry About
A computer science professor working with the Bonobo Hope Great Ape Trust Sanctuary inDes Moines,Iowa, has developed a bonobo robot that can be controlled by live bonobos. Among the first applications of the robot, said Dr. Ken Schweller in March, is a water cannon that bonobos will be taught to operate via an iPad app in order to “play chase games” with each other — “or to squirt guests.” [IEEE Spectrum (Institute of Electrical and Electronic Engineers),3-29-2012]
In February, Kendall Reid, 36, was extradited fromNew Jerseyback toLaPlace,La., where he had been sought for allegedly shooting at a car on Interstate 10 on Christmas Eve. According to police, Reid failed to hit the car he was aiming at, instead inadvertently shooting out the back window of a car in which two women were riding. However, as the damaged car stopped on the side of the road, Reid pulled his Corvette over, too, walked up to the women, and apologized (“Sorry, wrong car”) — before resuming his pursuit of his intended target. [Times-Picayune,2-13-2012]
Least Competent Criminals
Thought of Almost Everything: Mishelle Salzgeber, 20, was arrested in March in New Port Richey,Fla., after failing a drug test, which was a condition of her probation for an undisclosed crime. Apparently, Salzgeber knew that she would probably fail on her own and had gone to the trouble of inserting a small tube of someone else’s urine into her vagina. Unfortunately for her, a pre-test body-scan revealed the tube. (Besides, authorities tested the urine in the tube and found that it also failed.) [WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg),3-20-2012]
Bill Dillon, released from aFloridaprison in 2009 after 27 years’ wrongful incarceration, received a public apology in March from Gov. Rick Scott (and will get $50,000 from the state for each year of lockup). Dillon is one of the first inmates to have received justice among as many as an estimated 60 who were convicted with the help of the now-deceased dog trainer John Preston, whose supposedly heroic-nosed German shepherds could somehow track smells through water and pick out lone scents among highly contaminated crime scenes — thus magically confirming speculative parts of prosecutors’ cases when no other evidence was available. Pushover judges allowedPrestona free hand until one thought to subject the dog to a simple courtroom smell test, which the dog totally failed. Though satisfied with his own outcome, Dillon begged authorities to open other cases involvingPreston’s dogs. [OrlandoSentinel,3-3-2012]
Hot Commodity inPennsylvania
(1) In January, police inBridgeville,Pa., investigated a series of vehicle break-ins, including one of a car belonging to Kathy Saunoras, who reported that only her dentures were taken. (2) Two weeks later, health worker Marlene Dupert, 44, was charged with yanking dentures out of the mouth of one of her charges at a nursing home in Selinsgrove, Pa. (3) Also in February, Evelyn Fuller, 49, was charged with robbing the First National Bank in Waynesburg, Pa. — a crime necessitated, she told a police officer, because she needed money for new dentures. [Associated Press via WPVI-TV (Philadelphia),1-26-2012] [Daily Item (Sunbury,Pa.),2-18-2012] [Observer-Reporter (Washington,Pa.),2-1-2012]
“(Our critics) are absolutely right. We are professional liars,” said Everett Davis, founder of the Internet-based Reference Store, which supplies pumped-up, but false, resumes for job-seekers having trouble landing work. Davis and associates are, he told Houston’s KRIV-TV in November, ex-investigators schooled in deception and therefore good at fooling human resources personnel who follow up on the bogus work claims.Davis admitted he would even disguise a customer’s past criminal record — but not if the job is in public safety, health care or schools. [KRIV-TV,11-16-2011]
And finally …
If you are having trouble falling asleep at night, this video will solve your problem. Try it tonight. You’ll be sleeping like a baby in no time. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
A little spiritual humor today … and some brilliant plays on words for you.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hotdog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”
One of my favorite foolish persons is Swami Beyondananda, and if you are not familiar with him, you need to be. So I am performing a public service by introducing you to the Swami. This quote from him says it all.
“Joy is the Bottom Line: Underneath all the stress, distress and negativity in life, there is an deep well of joy. Each time healing laughter bubbles up from that well, we experience deep wellness.”
– Swami Beyondananda
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife.”
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, and his wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!” she had a shoe box with her, and she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.”
She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”
“I sure did, “said the wife.”I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.”
The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.
The first one out the door at 2:00 o’clock weaved down the sidewalk and fell on the curb. Sluggishly, he got up and tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.
Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.
Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.
Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.
Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.
The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyzer test, to which he readily agreed.
The reading was 0.0%. The policeman said, “How can this be?”
The man replied, “Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.”
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for backup. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver’s license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
A Father’s Pain
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.”
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.
Have a great weekend, and live your purpose every day!
If you have never listened to Car Talk on PBS radio, I recommend you tune in ASAP. Check out the schedule on your local PBS station and get ready for some laughs – or not. Some people (what world do they live in?) don’t like it, as evidenced in the following hate letters.
The professional technician’s job is hard enough without a comment similar to the one that you made about a technician draining the oil, talking to his wife about the braces, paying off the bookie and then going to the roach coach.
I have been a Master Tech since 1975 and I take exception to your comments. I have never had a bookie.
Why couldn’t you have said the tool man?
Stop Laughing at Each Other
Why must you constantly laugh at each other or at your stories?
Look at Bob Hope, Bob Newhart, Jack Benny, or any good comedian. When they tell a story and the audience is in an uproar, are they laughing? Never.
The Car Talk guys, Tom and Ray, are true humanitarians, however, as evidenced by the following letter.
Posted by Funn E. Guy on April 10, 1996 at 13:39:22:
Originally written by the staff of The Onion®
Vowels to Bosnia
ask and you shall receive…
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients
Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O,U, and Y, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian words more pronounceable.
“For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhrand Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world,”Clinton said. “Today, the United States must finally stand up and say ‘Enough.’ It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavor.”
The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying more than 500 24-count boxes of “E’s,” will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. “My God, I do not think we can last another day,” Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. “I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one ‘E.’Please.”
Said Sjlbvdnzv resident, Grg Hmphrs, 67: “With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream.”
If the initial airlift is successful, Clinton said the United States will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130’s airdropping thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other nations are expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British “A’s” and 6,500 Canadian “U’s.” Japan, rich in A’s and O’s, was asked to participate, but declined.
“With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new words,” Clinton said. “It should be very exciting for them, and much easier for us to read their maps.”
Linguists praise the US’s decision to send the vowels. For decades they have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult pronunciation of most Slavic words. “Vowels are crucial to construction of all language, “Baylor University linguist Noam Frankel said. “Without them, it would be difficult to utter a single word, much less organize a coherent sentence. Please, just don’t get me started on the moon-man languages they use in those Eastern European countries.”
According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they will be able to construct such valuable sentences as: “The potatoes are ready”; “I believe it will rain”; and “All my children are dead from the war” [And “Oh my God, there’s an axe in my head.” ?]
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aaowith vital, lifegiving supplies of L’s, S’s and T’s. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.
Have a great weekend, and live your purpose every day!
You can tell by the name of the site that Will and Guy are English. But that’s okay, because some of these jokes are actually funny (sorry Brits, but sometimes we just don’t get your humor).
Here is what Will and Guy have to say about Engrish.
Engrish is the name for the occidental writing which appears on Japanese signs. The companies, or their sign writers, wish to give a product cachet, but the result is a funny English phrase. To the Japanese readers, the Engrish words are meaningless since most speak English about as well as most westerners speak Japanese. Little do they know that the English translation has a fatal flaw.
And there you have your Engrish lesson for the week. Have a great weekend!
P.S. Sorry about the terrible formatting (this part was supposed to be at the bottom). I need someone who knows how to do this stuff.